RPG Much?

MxCr8z:
Character build:
Level 40 Bullshit artist.
Stats:
Int: 7 Char: (quad-dimensional= 10 or 0) Str: 4 Dex: 2 Wis:7 Con: 20.
MxCr8z can not be killed. Similar build to Tempest, Thieves World, except Tempest "aahcted" and MxCr8z axe. McCr8zy can hypnotize victims at will, and believes he is correct, always.
Related to the Boosh Golem. Both are MxCr8zy and Boosh are highly uninspired, and incredibly dangerous. Do not approach without a response team present.

MxCr8z has Stones of Jordan on both hands. He's got an Enigma on his chest. He's got a microphone in his hands. He's got a strap around his waist that says Walnuts! He's got a baseball cap on his head (it says “Peace In The Middle East”). He's got a Breath of the Dying...

Just a second, folks. I have just been told I have confused games.

RPG much?

More:

C. J. Cherryh couldn't get MxCr8z killed, but then, there's the curve and then there's the Tempest curve. After prolonged torture Tempest finally gave up the ghost. Gung ho, Vivisectionist, says howdy. I wonder what MxCr8z thinks about the Vivisectionist. Could have been worse, Johnny. You could have been in Thieves World posing as invincible. Owch.

Moving on to free Bitteries (TM).

Music: Sanctuary (rare roio), The Cult.

McCain Wants Brains
(More Brains)
McCain: Loves young slaves (er, uh, troops)..
McCain: (Schmidt)-Lieberman ticket to be offered as kosher pork.

I just figured out I get my news prolly seconds before the Kos team, thanks to this space age drug, SUPER-Xeth. My supplier tells me the arm growing out of my back is natural, and that after my clone emerges everything will be fine. That sounded reasonable, but now I think there is a face coming out. It just said, "Feed me, Seymour." I am so hungry... so hungry...

Oh, yeah, RPG Essay (I mean Jefe):
Sweet. Somebody with clout stood up to Michael Goldfarb about his persistent criticism of Dungeons and Dragons and the people who play the game. Bob Mackey (LTC-ret.), consultant at the National Counterterrorism Center, wrote an article called "Cloak of Stupidity +5, or the Art of the False Political Assumption." Here's a good excerpt:

It seems Mr. Goldfarb, with the blessings of his employer, has decided that anyone who plays Dungeons and Dragons is some sort of anti-social uber nerd, incapable of manly activities, such as political blogging or being shot down over Hanoi.

Well, as anyone with half a brain should know, not all D&D players live in their parents' basement. Some live upstairs.

And others, the vast majority of them, became doctors, lawyers, excelled in business, the arts, and even politics. And a more than a few of them put on the uniform and stand by the colors. And more than a few of them have come back from the very wars that men like Mr. Goldfarb have sent them covered in the colors, the same colors that are given to grieving mothers, wives, and girlfriends.

Yes, Mr. Goldfarb, I play Dungeons and Dragons. And I have, in my home, a very large box filled with medals and decorations that prove my service to this nation. Where were you, sir, when your country called? Oh yes, writing for the Weekly Standard.

While gaming geeks rallied around the flag.

I guess I can come back out of the closet I was hiding in. Take that, Michael "Gas Spore" Goldfarb. En garde vile flumph!

Notice:
No longer providing snark at this location free of charge. If the bouncers missed you, please be prepared to pay $12.50 if they catch you next time. Oh, you thought this was free? You>> Have been paying $1.25 a minute since you stopped here. Have a nice day, sir/ma'am. Thank you for your patronage.

Check your flop tables for charges.

RPG, jus cuz':
Dunjuns and Dragoons

I guess I'm not going to be able to leave the Dungeons and Dragons theme alone today. There's an awesome blog at Threat Level about the continuing McCain campaign attacks on the game and bloggers. Please feel free to write more gems like this:

McN00b
by lol and I'm a Republican

I think he'd be the kid who's gotta trick out his level three fighter with "naturally rolled" 18's in all his stats, bracers of AC 2, ring and cloak of protection +5 each (which he "found" when he was level 1), and of course the n00b three-pack of girdle of storm giant strength, gauntlets of ogre power, and hammer of thunerbolts. Anything to make sure he beats the Terrorists of Elemental Evil.

or this:

Paladin McCain!
by John G.

This aging 20th level paladin charges around the kingdom (stomping on any hapless peasants who get in his way) declaring what a great war hero he was despite being captured by orcs many years before. He distrusts wizards, non-humans and especially those beings from other planes of existance. He plans to lead all those of good alignment on the Prime Material Plane into a neverending war against the infernal forces of the Abyss but most sensible people say this is a very bad idea.

I Love Threat Level.
Nightsy night.
I will try to do better tomorrow.

Notice

No longer providing snark at this location free of charge. If the bouncers missed you, please be prepared to pay $12.50 if they catch you next time. Oh, you thought this was free? You>> Have been paying $1.25 a minute since you stopped here. Have a nice day, sir/ma'am. Thank you for your patronage.

Check your flop tables on packets, yo.
Attacks? I am a home schooler and I can beat attacks.
Whatev.

Drafty McLieber-Schmidt

McCain: Can't disagree with the draft.
McCain: (Schmidt)-Lieberman ticket to be offered as kosher pork.

I just figured out I get my news prolly seconds before Olbermann's team, thanks to this space age drug, SUPER-Meth. My supplier tells me the arm growing out of my back is natural, and that after my clone emerges everything will be fine. That sounded reasonable, but now I think there is a face coming out. It just said, "Feed me, Seymour."

My Crazy Friend Jerome

I was a good friend of Jerome Corsi before he wrote "books." I remember his involvement in the preschooler prostitution ring well. I remember when he sold heroin to grade schoolers while dressed as a nun. "Hanging's too good for him! Burning's too good for him! He should be torn into little-bitsy pieces and buried alive!"
[My apologies to Bernie Wrightson for associating his work with Jerome Corsi]

Obama Dances With McCain In Church

Surprisingly, Obama did not wear black face paint when appearing at the Saddleback Church. Meanwhile, John McCain has jungle fever over some guy named Barry. It makes me feel so dirty. Can I get a candidate who doesn't pander to the Christian Right?

No?
Screw it.
Happy Un-Fun Day.

Oh, and buenos dias again. This time I am drinking coffee (it's not 3 a.m.).

Official Conspiracy Theory

Here's the latest conspiracy theory. Obama is leading by a huge margin. McCain universally sucks. The daily polls are all rigged. The voting machines are all rigged. The daily polls will substantiate the enormous lie the American people are told in November, that John McCain was elected.

That sounds plausible, except for one thing. Big money really doesn't have to rig everything. Big money has big money, and will just buy the Presidency if they so desire. The simplest explanation is often the correct deduction.

It's a stretch, woo, quite a stretch, to believe everything is fake.
It's all real, and fueled by dollars.
The polls are flawed, but the closeness of the race I can believe. Newsflash: Barack Obama is black. Does anybody really believe he has a huge lead?

I wonder what the landscape will look like when the dollar is equal to a peso, and Canada buys Detroit (just for the hell of it).

Gawd Did It

Michelle Bachmann (R-MN) told OneNewsNow that Nancy Pelosi doesn't need to save the planet. That's cute. Oh, and "they" saved it over 2000 years ago. I wonder who she could have been talking about. I know who she meant now, it was John McCain... no, wait, he's not quite that old. Did she mean Jesus?
It's good to know that Jesus saved the planet so long ago, now if He had just saved the GOP from morons 2000 years ago.

Michelle is a real stunner. She's the nice lady who believes there is no life in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge
.

Visiting ANWR also revealed that almost no wildlife exists in the 2,000-acre area. It was flat arctic tundra with absolutely no trees in view. And, caribou and wildlife were nowhere near the possible drilling sites.

Michelle brought us other great hits also, hits like "Democrats Want Americans To Live In Cities." She's right, though, that is twisted. Who would want to live in an American city?
Thank you, Kleefeld.

Bachmann joins a growing number of Republicans who have given up on solving any of our nations problems, and have instead given the problems over to God. Focus on the Family decided to confront the Obama problem by praying for a torrential downpour of Biblical proportions during Barack's speech in Denver. I've actually been following the calls to pray for rain. The story broke a few days ago, but I figured they didn't need my prayers.

You don't think right wing Christians had anything to do with Katrina, do you? Oh my goodness, they did. McCain and Lieberman's good friend John Hagee prayed for God to wipe out the gays in New Orleans, and lo and behold, it came to pass. Miracles do happen. Where would our nation be without men of caliber like John Hagee? Wait, I have a better question. Where would Hagee be without a nation full of suckers to buy his snake oil?

At least we all still have sexuality to ease the tension... oh no. The Religious Right wants to make orgasms a bad thing. What's next? Alcohol? No, they tried that already, and it didn't work out so well for anyone but the mobsters. Maybe God gave us sexuality to be nice. Maybe He figured, "Their plight is too miserable for me to stand it. Let there be sex." I'm just saying, there would be no religous fanatics to tell us sex is bad if people hadn't been having sex all this time.

Music: Marilyn Manson, God Is In The TV

Ball of Expression

Hot chicks sometimes prefer the demure intellectual writer types, but more often they go for the athletic go-getters. Did McCamp miss the memo about hot chicks? Check this out. Hot chicks have never liked political geeks, of any variety. That lets me off the hook, because I am a novelist (sooo much cooler).

Oh, yeah, just to be fair, they probably do like B. a whole lot, but I am not jealous. I'm considering running for president too, you know, just to inform the cougars out there I'm available (if you have a private jet). I would so like to have more homes than the McCrazy-Riches. Make my dream come true, and marry this blogger into your world of wealth. I prefer shaken, not stirred.

The Aliens Ate My Dingo

Ken Layne, philosopherius extraordinarius, and the senior alien analyst at Wonkette, brought this, and other pictures, to my attention.




The pictures were taken by in-the-field Alien operatives from Galatea IV. The operatives were soon deported from China, and earth, after being exposed by fourwinds10. I should have known no human could find such damaging material on our untouchable, impeccable, incredible, historic... uh, Chimpanzee Presidente. Drunk again, Booshy? Drink it down, chimpy. That's a goood boy!

To quote a wonkette operative Bago:

I’ve woken up at burning man wearing only a lab coat and a condom, and still have to say DAAAAMN! If there was ever a proper time to wake up that way, it would be in Nevada. At the Olympics in front of billions of TV watchers, damn. Totally checked out.

I'll take two of what Laura is having.

Male Anatomy Non News

John Edwards had sex with somebody besides his wife. This confirms the rumors that have been swirling around John Edwards for quite some time. He is, in fact, a male, and not just a male but a man as well. Some of us had high hopes that he would be proven a sexless eunuch, but he has fallen from grace with eunuchs everywhere. "That depends on what the definition of is is," said an older man guilty of having similar genitalia in the past when asked, "Is it true that John Edwards has male parts?"

Over at Obsidian Wings, hilzoy presented some of the leaked memos from Hillary Clinton's campaign. There is a memo about Rielle Hunter in the pile. Excerpt:

(Rielle's) latest project was John Edwards. Edwards, she said, was an old soul who had barely tapped into any of his potential. The real John Edwards, she believed, was a brilliant, generous, giving man who was driven by competing impulses—to feed his ego and serve the world. If he could only tap into his heart more, and use his head less, he had the power to be a "transformational leader" on par with Gandhi and Martin Luther King. "He has the power to change the world," she said."

Easy, stomach. As if hearing about old people having sex weren't bad enough, now there's going to be creepy little insights into the psychology of the affair coming to light all over the place. At least nobody has discussed Rielle's new age philosophy. Oh noes! More of the same memo, with new age philosophy:

Her speech was peppered with New Age jargon--human beings were dragged down by "blockages" to their actual potential; history was the story of souls entering and escaping our field of consciousness. A seminal book for her had been Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now." Her purpose on this Earth, she said, was to help raise awareness about all this, to help the unenlightened become better reflections of their true, repressed selves.

Please make it stop.

A huge thanks to John Edwards for ruining my appetite with his stupidity. The affair was wrong. Running for president on the assumption no one would find out... well that's just f***ing stupid. Poor Elizabeth must have been on some good meds when she bought into John's campaign, and supported him in silence.

And now I am done with the non news of this forever.

Troll Cattle Call

I missed my calling as an Internet writer. Instead of voicing human rights concerns I could be tearing down other people's work with John McCain approved talking points. Instead of fighting against the destruction of our nation by corporate greed, I could be working toward the ultimate goal of getting one of John McCain's autographed books. I could probably sell it for literally dozens of quarters, too. What could I have been thinking when I decided to write about serious issues rather than prostitute myself out to the McCain campaign as a troll?

My frustration originates with an article in the Washington Post by Paul Farhi. The article details how the McCain campaign needs the help of everyday folks, like myself, to help spread big batches of manure. The strategy comes in the wake of John McCain's complete meltdown on the issues, and relative inability to speak for himself in any meaningful fashion. Now we, the people, can do all of his lying for him! I can't tell you how excited I am.

In case you don't have the motivation required to check this story out for yourself, I now present the details in all their glory. The plan:

On McCain's Web site, visitors are invited to "Spread the Word" about the presumptive Republican nominee by sending campaign-supplied comments to blogs and Web sites under the visitor's screen name. The site offers sample comments ("John McCain has a comprehensive economic plan . . .") and a list of dozens of suggested destinations, conveniently broken down into "conservative," "liberal," "moderate" and "other" categories. Just cut and paste.

That sounds like fun. Surely nobody will take the suggestion and run around liberal sites flaming like headless chickens, or troll those locations with barely controlled hatred and resentment. The McCain campaign is all about integrity, and surely would never encourage such behavior. However, if participants post the positive, approved comments, then they get prizes!

Prizes include: books autographed by McCain, preferred seating at campaign events, even a ride with the candidate on his bus. Reward points leading to the Big Prize Giveaway are subject to McCain Webmaster approval (an entity which may not exist). Program not available to: African Americans, Latinos, women, the gays, Democrats, artists, musicians, environmentalists, human rights advocates, peace activists, honest judges, honest attorneys, honest politicians, or anybody else who isn't a member of the White Upper Class.

(Thanks to HuffPo, WaPo and Paul Farhi)

House Republican Comedy Show Held Over

I first learned about the exciting and dynamic new strategy from House Republicans from Wonkette on August 1st. I don't think Sara understands the power of her written words. The tragic call for megaphones was answered, assuring the confused tourists wandering through the U.S. Capitol Building will be able to hear the lonely, sad calls of the Representatives crying out to be taken seriously.

Now, emboldened by the fact that not every single person in the world considers them a joke, House Republicans plan to continue their comedy show. I understand the lights have been turned on, but the darkness in their minds never lifts. A few concerned and compassionate liberals have called for euthanasia for the Representatives, rather than let their misery continue. Dittoheads vigorously responded that the Representatives' suffering makes them better martyrs, but vowed Rush would take some Oxy and smoke a cigar in their honor.

Minority Leader John Boehner apparently plays golf while his minions toil. To be fair, he never said he would give up golf. There is a rotation list, commonly referred to as the "detention roster," which lists the Republican leaders relegated to overseeing detention in the House on any given day. Keeping the Representatives there may seem cruel, but the world is a safer, more peaceful place while the Republican Congressmen are kept there. I have argued against rendition in the past; I will not reverse course now just because our nation would be better off if we shipped the Congressmen to a parliament in a foreign nation.